I definitely did NOT stay home to dance and sing to beyonce all night by myself. I’m just soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick I couldn’t possibly go out and schmooze with the skeezy dudes at the gay bar.
me: hey what's up
marijuana user: i smoke weed
me: ok that's nice how have you been
marijuana user: yesterday i smoked weed and got very high
me: alright so how was your day other than that
marijuana user: baked
me: yes ok but when you weren't high how was it
marijuana user: tripping balls
me: ok yes that's nice
marijuana user: i like weed
me: wow ok
marijuana user: weed
The foreign exchange student keeps telling me I am “kawaii” and grabbing my ass… It’s a step in the right direction but nooooooooo
All my relatives constantly make awkward repulsed expressions towards homosexuals to which I ask if they’re ok. “ew is she a lesbian?!” “what, how could I possibly know that? What’s the problem though, you look like you’re in pain, are you alright?” “I- uhhh she… You-uhhh nope.”
I’ve lost 15 pounds this week. My doctor seems really happy even though my blood pressure is still high. My secret is being super sick, drinking pepsi, and taking 5 hour naps. If someone said “you’ve blown 15 pounds of snot out of your nose this week!” I’d believe that one.
Harry Potter and the Chinese Bootleg Subtitles
scene-killer: deeboosh: thegeorgemott: jesus christ. I’m dead. …dead AHHHHHHFDSAJHFDSA
A Mighty Wind: Mitch&Mickey, The Heardsmen,...
I got a pumpkin for Halloween and forgot to throw it away. It is rotting/frozen to a tiny table outside.
Mom: Clean up your pumpkin it's gross.
Me: Ok, Mike can you help me pick up the table and we can just dump it in the trash?
Mike: Ew gross, don't be so lazy do it yourself!
Mom: Yeah it's your pumpkin you have to take care of it by yourself!!!!
Me: Like your Christmas tree that sat in the entrance room for weeks until Mike's girlfriend put it together and decorated it for you?
Mom: It's nothing like that!
Mike: Yeah Nick, she put the Christmas tree up because it was sitting around in a huge box and she got annoyed with it. It's not the same at all! STOP BEING LAZY!!!!
Me: I'm going to my room before you guys say anything more stupid than that.