Nurse: please step on the scale
Scale: beep boop beep beep *display number in kilograms*
Nurse: Ohhhh this isn't good. You gained two pounds... *discretely shows a post it note with Maths displaying the number 200 on it*
Me: Well last time I was weighed here you said it was 230...
Nurse: I was doing the conversions wrong last time.
Me: uhhhhhh so suddenly I weigh 30 pounds less than what I thought I did AND gained two pounds?
Nurse: yeah you need to watch what you eat.
Me: yeah whatever I just lost 28 pounds in less than a minute.
I went to magic mike for the gratuitous nudity aaaaand it would have been better without the mess of a plot it tried to pull off
Steroid week has started. My feels are already through the roof.
Haiku for the self obsessed
You’re so artsy, god At least you love yourself, douche Someday you’ll grow up
Happy late birthday tooooo meeeee →
don't trust a person who doesn't like redheads, or...
scene-killer: i’m a redhead with a kinda beard. trust meeeee.
Anonymous asked: madeofclay; you have been invited to PeepsPayer(.)com by one of your followers - where it's easy to make $ with your blog.
Every time I see Danny Brito’s legs I want thigh tattoos
fuckyeahhyrule asked: I always forget you follow me.
nerdnawesome: Fifty Shades of Grey narrated by Gilbert Gottfried Best
Day two of work
This was completely different in a great way! The staff was really knowledgeable and helpful. The people there were laid back. Air conditioning. Indoor plumbing. Leftovers. No dirt on my shoes. Nothing went wrong! I’m so far beyond relieved that I may cry into my ziplock bag filled with delicious hors d’oeuvres.
I found a job online that sounds too good to be true. The only way to apply is to call and talk to someone. Well I had time so I called. It was a voice recording telling me to pronounce the composers names that are on the advert and leave my name and number. SIMPLE! If this is a real job AND I get hired I will have the best part time job. (I’ll probably loathe it a week into it, but...
thechosenjuan: FOR BRITISH EYES ONLY
My first day on the job
I work catering. I am a slave to people who know nothing. I do the kind of manual labor that gets outsourced to china. My feet need a muh-sahhhh-czh like no ones business. I worked from 2-1 outside while wearing fancy dress shoes. My toes are numb… I’m going to live in my shower
williams-blood: airbender: nooooor: hotbabysitter: Drive Thru Floating Cup. why are all black ppl the same “ohh it’s floating cool beans here you go” omg How that’s holdi… How’s that han… … Huh. Beautiple
My birthday is coming up. Buy me a gold one →
How Tumblr ruined my vocabulary.
I can't even
What is air?
How do you art?
I want this because of reasons
Right in the feels
You must be new
All the awards
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL
don't forget: asdfghjkl;'
I have a lot of True Blood feels
They are all in the massive shadow that is my desperate need to watch the next episode. I become an emotional wreck at the end of almost every episode. Whoever coordinates the last minute of True Blood obviously had a job doing news spots for some local tv station. . “noxious fumes that peel your skin off could be in your area! tune in at 11.” “the president may have been...
Move in day
We have moved half the stuff in but the second half wont be here until 6. See me at McDonald’s I be here till 6
Will be so fun that the universe had to let everyone not invited do something fun too… Enjoy Indy pride, I’ll be having more fun
I had a dream that I went to a bar trivia night at some bar. Everyone there knew only art history and we all argued over different poses of Jesus and Mary. It was the best. Mary Tipertarious was the sexiest pose
Everyone in my life has been so overpoweringly generous. I hope that one day I’ll be able to help you all in return. Relatives and friends have gone out of their way to give me things I could never afford on my own. I keep beating this point to death but I’m painfully excited to move on Monday.
minorfour: fuckyoukripke: WHY ISN’T THERE A HUGE FANDOM FOR A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS No really though why not that fandom would be fucking awesome. Everyone would be volunteer fire fighters and would have the fucking eye tattoos on their ankles and talk in couplets. Don’t pretend you don’t get the references because i know you do I would be totally okay with this fandom. ...
tyleroakley: The most important difference between Madonna and Lady Gaga has nothing to do with their music at all. I’m normally not one to get up in arms over this kind of thing but it’s steroid/everything is dramatic week… I’m deeply and profoundly annoyed at how rude Madonna was to those guys.
ummm for real tho
how do you even delete friends on facebook?
I had a horrible dream that certain people from high school blamed me for someone else’s terminal disease. In the dream I got up in their faces and yelled “how the hell could that ever be my fault you stupid fucks?!” weeeeeeeell my actual non-dream throat hurts now. I’m terrified that I actually yelled that in my sleep.
So as an update to this morning… I am at home being super sick. Mom is in Ohio planning the funeral, dad is here pretending to care, and I am more sick than this morning. Dad takes Zyrtec everyday,but when I asked him to pick up a special cold and flu version he could not figure out what Zyrtec was. He kept calling me to say they don’t have zyntap, Xanax, or Aztec. All of which he...
Dad: there are a lot of gay movies on the Netflix instant que in the living room. Did you put them there?!
Dad: *awkward stares for 5 minutes* (exit stage left)
Early this morning my grandmother died. I’m signing a lease on an apartment in an hour or two. I have to drive all the way home before 3 to make it to a retirement party for a very dear friend. I have to move everything to my new apartment then come back home for a wedding. There is no time to go to her funeral and I’m sick. Her passing hasn’t fully hit and I’m grateful...
shiphassailed: “i have no problem with homosexuals my best friend is one” says the tumblr user, causing angels to descend from heaven playing gorgeous harps and drape them in garlands of flowers, proclaiming them the number one gay rights activist of all time, literally incapable of homophobia, infallible and the winner of all internet arguments until the end of time, filled with the light of...